L'Amour
Do you think it is just coincidental that the words for love (l’amour) and death (la mort) sound eerily similar in French? In fact, my American tongue is unable to distinguish them. (This deficiency, as you may imagine, can make for perplexing conversations.) Love and death are pretty big things in life, and, in my opinion, it’s best not to confuse them. You’d think they would be important enough to merit pronunciations that are significantly more distinct than l’amour and la mort. This leads me to wonder if the concepts of love and death are profoundly linked in French language and culture.
I’ve been wanting to write about l’amour for a long-time, but, frankly, it’s a difficult subject to address discretely. I only attempt it now because I am in culture shock after some recent conversations I have had about the topic, and the blog serves as a sort of therapy for me. As a disclaimer, keep in mind that I have lived in France for seven months and I know a few, but not many, French people beyond the acquaintance stage. This means that everything I say could be ludicrous and is certainly based on too small a sample size to be statistically relevant. Given this disclaimer, it’s deliciously salacious and intriguing to consider that the stories I have for you might quite accurately reflect French society in general. And let’s face it, we all want to believe it’s true – that the French are having way more fun than we are. Consider it a bit of voyeurism.
Based upon conversations I have had with my few French friends, I get the impression that one could be considered “square” for believing in marital or relationship fidelity in France. In fact, one friend told me that French men say that American women are “dans une boite” (in a box) for their general unwillingness to participate in what the French so delicately call “l’aventures.” Obviously there are exceptions to this, but we are talking generalities here. In case you’re curious, the Swedes and Brits are reportedly more enthusiastic, but the Germans express some hesitation. The Italians and Spanish didn’t merit any comments, so you are left to your own imaginations or prejudices, depending on how you regard these sorts of things.
One French friend explained to me that the moments in life when you encounter someone with whom there is a mutual attraction should be considered “petits cadeaux” (little gifts). And, as we all know, it is rude to refuse a gift. If what I have learned is in any way an accurate reflection, there is a lot of gift exchanging going on in France, think Macy’s at Christmas time.
I know you want sordid details, but it would be rather indiscreet and tasteless of me to provide them. Then again, why not, you don’t know any of these people:
Within three months of our arrival here, Frenchwoman A tells me how enjoyable her two marital affairs were and then proceeds to ask me if I would like to have an affair with Frenchman Z, because he had expressed an interest in, shall we say, my piece of American pie. More recently Frenchwoman A mentioned that Frenchman Z has had the same girlfriend the last five years. Interestingly, this tidbit of information was not shared in the previous conversation with Frenchwoman A during which she solicited information on my intentions with Frenchman Z; apparently it was deemed irrelevant. Less surprisingly, Z has also never mentioned the girlfriend. (In case there is any doubt, I assure you that I respectfully declined Z’s offer.)
Frenchman A, who is divorced at least in part as a result of a “petite erreur,” has Girlfriend #1, whom he likes very much and considers a perfect lifetime partner for himself. Interestingly, Frenchman A also has Girlfriend #2, whom he likes less, but, let’s just say, enjoys very much. Frenchman A tells Girlfriend #2 that they need to take a break. This causes Girlfriend #2, who happens to be married to another man, much distress since she likes Frenchman A very much. Girlfriend #2 calls Girlfriend #1 and tells her about her relationship with Frenchman A. Girlfriend #1 is not happy. And how do I know all this? Well I happened to have had lunch with Frenchman A minutes after the house came tumbling down. Ouch.
Have no fear, Frenchman A has some resources at his disposal. Although asked, I was unable to provide worthwhile advice on how he should proceed. His brother, whom we will call Frenchman Ab, apparently has a great deal of experience with these sorts of problems, and A was planning on calling Ab for advice. A also can ask Frenchman B, who lives next door to A. Frenchman B, who has been married for a long time, is having an “aventure” with the secretary at work. I was given the impression that this was one of many “aventures” he has enjoyed during his marriage. Apparently of the 20 or so people at B’s office, at least 5-6 are having “aventures.” See the benefits that a 35 hour work week can offer?
Both Frenchwoman A and Frenchman A brought up the fact that everyone knew that the late French President François Mitterand had a mistress. And what’s good for François is good for the country.
As an aside, Frenchwoman A also asked me if Marty was jealous of a recent visit I made to a male friend. I assured her that, no he wasn’t at all jealous and that he encouraged me to go. She then asked me if I worried that he might fool around with other women when he traveled, and I assured her I didn't. She then felt a need to point out to me that, despite his good intentions, a French woman may decide to go after him, although she herself does not go after men who are involved with any of her friends. Perhaps to her disappointment, I remained completely unfazed by this apparently imminent danger to our marriage. (To reassure her, I should have pointed out that he’s a physicist, and therefore knows hardly any women.)
Obviously incidences of, how shall we put it - simultaneous joint ventures? - happen all over the world, although in a few places you get stoned to death for it. I have lived in the United States for approximately 40 years of my life (I’m not counting my two years in Gambia, which, with its tradition of polygamy, provides an intriguing variation on the same theme), and I know of a few, but not many, stories like this in the U.S. I have lived in France for seven months, and, to put it mildly, the ground appears to be fertile. Admittedly, I am rather naive, so perhaps I am simply oblivious to what goes on in the U.S. I suspect the incidence of this sort of thing may be slightly higher in France than in the U.S. simply because there seems to be a general acceptance here that these things happen, and one is not judged for it. Consequently, there appears to be less social pressure to abstain from participation; in fact, I would say that I have actually been encouraged to join the fray (hence my aforementioned culture shock). The incidence of “aventures” may not be that much higher in France than the U.S. as it appears at first blush, however, as I suspect that it is simply easier to learn about these sorts of things in France because there is a greater openness about them. (In fact, Frenchman A and I had quite a fun time talking about his misadventures.)
One can start to see how the passion engendered by these tangled love affairs may provide some tenuous links to “la mort.” Imagine the potential for death from a broken heart or at the hands of an enraged lover. In fact, it is common knowledge in France that “crimes of passion” receive reduced sentences.
While it may serve as an interesting topic for speculation, whether or not the French have a higher frequency of passion-fueled trysts is perhaps beside the point. This is clearly a society that understands, accepts, expects and accommodates the power of l’amour.
I’ve been wanting to write about l’amour for a long-time, but, frankly, it’s a difficult subject to address discretely. I only attempt it now because I am in culture shock after some recent conversations I have had about the topic, and the blog serves as a sort of therapy for me. As a disclaimer, keep in mind that I have lived in France for seven months and I know a few, but not many, French people beyond the acquaintance stage. This means that everything I say could be ludicrous and is certainly based on too small a sample size to be statistically relevant. Given this disclaimer, it’s deliciously salacious and intriguing to consider that the stories I have for you might quite accurately reflect French society in general. And let’s face it, we all want to believe it’s true – that the French are having way more fun than we are. Consider it a bit of voyeurism.
Based upon conversations I have had with my few French friends, I get the impression that one could be considered “square” for believing in marital or relationship fidelity in France. In fact, one friend told me that French men say that American women are “dans une boite” (in a box) for their general unwillingness to participate in what the French so delicately call “l’aventures.” Obviously there are exceptions to this, but we are talking generalities here. In case you’re curious, the Swedes and Brits are reportedly more enthusiastic, but the Germans express some hesitation. The Italians and Spanish didn’t merit any comments, so you are left to your own imaginations or prejudices, depending on how you regard these sorts of things.
One French friend explained to me that the moments in life when you encounter someone with whom there is a mutual attraction should be considered “petits cadeaux” (little gifts). And, as we all know, it is rude to refuse a gift. If what I have learned is in any way an accurate reflection, there is a lot of gift exchanging going on in France, think Macy’s at Christmas time.
I know you want sordid details, but it would be rather indiscreet and tasteless of me to provide them. Then again, why not, you don’t know any of these people:
Within three months of our arrival here, Frenchwoman A tells me how enjoyable her two marital affairs were and then proceeds to ask me if I would like to have an affair with Frenchman Z, because he had expressed an interest in, shall we say, my piece of American pie. More recently Frenchwoman A mentioned that Frenchman Z has had the same girlfriend the last five years. Interestingly, this tidbit of information was not shared in the previous conversation with Frenchwoman A during which she solicited information on my intentions with Frenchman Z; apparently it was deemed irrelevant. Less surprisingly, Z has also never mentioned the girlfriend. (In case there is any doubt, I assure you that I respectfully declined Z’s offer.)
Frenchman A, who is divorced at least in part as a result of a “petite erreur,” has Girlfriend #1, whom he likes very much and considers a perfect lifetime partner for himself. Interestingly, Frenchman A also has Girlfriend #2, whom he likes less, but, let’s just say, enjoys very much. Frenchman A tells Girlfriend #2 that they need to take a break. This causes Girlfriend #2, who happens to be married to another man, much distress since she likes Frenchman A very much. Girlfriend #2 calls Girlfriend #1 and tells her about her relationship with Frenchman A. Girlfriend #1 is not happy. And how do I know all this? Well I happened to have had lunch with Frenchman A minutes after the house came tumbling down. Ouch.
Have no fear, Frenchman A has some resources at his disposal. Although asked, I was unable to provide worthwhile advice on how he should proceed. His brother, whom we will call Frenchman Ab, apparently has a great deal of experience with these sorts of problems, and A was planning on calling Ab for advice. A also can ask Frenchman B, who lives next door to A. Frenchman B, who has been married for a long time, is having an “aventure” with the secretary at work. I was given the impression that this was one of many “aventures” he has enjoyed during his marriage. Apparently of the 20 or so people at B’s office, at least 5-6 are having “aventures.” See the benefits that a 35 hour work week can offer?
Both Frenchwoman A and Frenchman A brought up the fact that everyone knew that the late French President François Mitterand had a mistress. And what’s good for François is good for the country.
As an aside, Frenchwoman A also asked me if Marty was jealous of a recent visit I made to a male friend. I assured her that, no he wasn’t at all jealous and that he encouraged me to go. She then asked me if I worried that he might fool around with other women when he traveled, and I assured her I didn't. She then felt a need to point out to me that, despite his good intentions, a French woman may decide to go after him, although she herself does not go after men who are involved with any of her friends. Perhaps to her disappointment, I remained completely unfazed by this apparently imminent danger to our marriage. (To reassure her, I should have pointed out that he’s a physicist, and therefore knows hardly any women.)
Obviously incidences of, how shall we put it - simultaneous joint ventures? - happen all over the world, although in a few places you get stoned to death for it. I have lived in the United States for approximately 40 years of my life (I’m not counting my two years in Gambia, which, with its tradition of polygamy, provides an intriguing variation on the same theme), and I know of a few, but not many, stories like this in the U.S. I have lived in France for seven months, and, to put it mildly, the ground appears to be fertile. Admittedly, I am rather naive, so perhaps I am simply oblivious to what goes on in the U.S. I suspect the incidence of this sort of thing may be slightly higher in France than in the U.S. simply because there seems to be a general acceptance here that these things happen, and one is not judged for it. Consequently, there appears to be less social pressure to abstain from participation; in fact, I would say that I have actually been encouraged to join the fray (hence my aforementioned culture shock). The incidence of “aventures” may not be that much higher in France than the U.S. as it appears at first blush, however, as I suspect that it is simply easier to learn about these sorts of things in France because there is a greater openness about them. (In fact, Frenchman A and I had quite a fun time talking about his misadventures.)
One can start to see how the passion engendered by these tangled love affairs may provide some tenuous links to “la mort.” Imagine the potential for death from a broken heart or at the hands of an enraged lover. In fact, it is common knowledge in France that “crimes of passion” receive reduced sentences.
While it may serve as an interesting topic for speculation, whether or not the French have a higher frequency of passion-fueled trysts is perhaps beside the point. This is clearly a society that understands, accepts, expects and accommodates the power of l’amour.
posted by Nancy at 3:34 PM
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